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Among the many non-fictional things we had to do as part of our education at Fairburn Primary School was to summarise and review various TV shows - one of the regular schools programmes we watched on an almost weekly basis was a programme called Watch, the title sequence of which can be seen here. I can't find this specific episode about shoes anywhere on the internet but here's one about the Nativity, to give you a flavour of what kind of show it was.

 

Usually, my reviews of these were dull, bland recountings of what I'd seen - the kind of thing I really, really hated doing, and never saw the point of. After all, I'd seen it, the teacher had seen it - why did I have to prove it by writing it all out again?

 

But this one was different. One major thing I've noticed about the stories I wrote around this time is how violent they became, and it seems my TV recaps were no exception, this one becoming so impatient with the reader that it threatens them with death before it's done. Obviously I was just trying to spice things up for myself by injecting a bit of humour into work I found quite tedious - probably quite a breakthrough for a budding TV critic - but to find this written in a schoolbook by a nine year old is really quite disturbing.

 

I can't believe my teacher's only response was a big red tick.

Flash Harry (Jan/Feb 1981)
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1971-2016
Mania's Waen Shepherd Foiled! (Dec 1980)
Shoes
Moleman's Impossible Story
A heap of confusion
Dec 1980
Flash Harry
Nude men and bum sniffing
Jan/Feb, 1981
The Body Bugs
More so-called 'characters'
Dec 1980
New Wave Daft Characters
Just what we needed!
Jan 1981
Waen Shepherd Foiled
More revealing than it knows
Dec 1980
The most effort I've ever put into the most useless shit
Flash Harry - oh dear, now Shepherd's writing about childish stuff like streaking and bum smells. Can't he act his age for once?
Gary Le Strange relaxing in the Comedy Store
Moleman (no, not THAT Moleman from Marvel Comics - I don't steal character names, silly!) specialises in the art of confusion
The Body Bugs - God, I could have been a millionaire with this lot...
Waen Shepherd attacked by everyone from all sides