Under a Beef Red Sky

 

Mummy, Mummy, look at the sky

It looks like a big pile of meat

 

Strawberry pork, strawberry pork

I buried pork, I buried pork, I buried pork

 

 

When I'm Prime Minister

 

Politicians think they know stuff

And they think they’re cool but they’re not

They just make a pig’s ear of stuff

And the whole damn world’s gone to pot

 

When I’m Prime Minister

I’m gonna make this country fab and groovy

(Put it back on the map)

When I’m Prime Minister

I’m gonna strut my stuff, get down and boogie

(Politicians are crap)

 

Every night, I have a dream that when I’m in charge, there’ll be no more war and despair

Everybody will be so happy, they’ll all start dancing and fling their clothes in the air

Then some naked ladies will come in my room and touch me on the balls

 

All my minions will marvel at my political expertise

Naked ladies will fancy me in my military fatigues

 

When I’m Prime Minister

I'm gonna be so big and rich and famous

(Everyone knows my face)

When I’m Prime Minister

I’m gonna touch the bums of naked ladies

(Naked ladies are ace)

 

Every morning, I fantasise that when I am King, there’ll be no more famine or plague

Everybody will be my mate and I’ll be Number One in the pop charts every single day

Then a load of naked ladies touch me on the willy in my TARDIS

 

All around the world, the kids will venerate my name

Folks gonna say I’m the hippest cat in the hemisphere (x3)

Naked ladies fancy me because I'm cool

 

When I’m Prime Minister (x4)

 

 

Kidney Piper

 

By the old bandstand at the end of the street

A dirty old man stands in the fog and the sleet

Playing songs on instruments made of meat

 

He tries to play Greensleeves on the beef clarinet

You count yourself lucky if you ain’t heard it yet

Sounds a bit like someone blowing through beef

 

“Alleluia”

The kids sing to ya

 

“Come, come, come to my slum”

Sang the kidney piper through a slab of mutton

“Come, come, come to my slum

Where the kids dress in meat rags and so does their Mum”

 

“Alleluia”

The kids sing to ya

 

Mom and Dad don’t seem to give much of a fig

While the mucky man mesmerises the minds of the kids

And leads ‘em all off in a rapturous jig

 

Flings ‘em in a dungeon, chains ‘em up in a line

Forces ‘em to dig up raw meat from his mine

And uses it to construct vast pyramids

 

“Alleluia”

The kids sing to ya

 

“Come, come, come to my slum”

Sang the kidney piper through an antelope's lung

“Come, come, come to my slum

Where the kids will eat sheep’s heads and so will their Mum”

 

“Alleluia”

The kids sing to ya

 

I don’t think I understand it myself, stand it myself

Sounds like just a noisy racket to me

But the kids seem to like it

It could be an age thing

Or some kind of dog whistle frequency

 

To me

It sounds

Like this:

(atonal synth noise)

 

But to the kids

But to the kids

It sounds

It sounds like this:

 

“Come, come, come to my palace of chocolate

Where you can eat sweeties all day

And you can stay up and watch telly all night

And Santa will bring Christmas toys all the time

And no one will force you to learn anything

And no one will make you eat parsnips for tea

And I won’t make you toil in my terrible mine

Forever

Ever

Ever

Ever”

 

 

Shivering in the Rain

 

Why am I shivering alone in the rain?

Is it because I locked myself out my flat yesterday?

Maybe if the cat had hands, he might open the door and let me in

But then I guess he’d punch me for not feeding him this morning

And that just wouldn’t be fair

You’ve got hands! Open your own tin!

 

The badgers and the crocodiles come out in the rain

Their stupid beady eyes laughing at my flabby, naked form

Maybe I should murder a tramp and nick his coat so I don’t freeze to death

Or maybe I should just call my wife and ask her to open the door

Or I could lumber around the town

Scaring horses and babies and little old ladies

 

Maybe I should just find a brick and hurl it through my window

But my flat’s on the 58th floor and I don’t think I can throw that far

Unless I got me some kind of laser-guided rocket launcher type thing

But you know how expensive they are – I may as well buy a new flat

 

Maybe if I concentrate hard enough, I can blow a hole in the door with my mind

But what if I miss and blow a hole underneath my feet

And go tumbling down like a snowflake to the Kingdom of the Frogs?

 

I don’t wanna go there

No, no, Mrs Jones

I don’t wanna die in the filthy land of the chuffing frogs

 

Aaah! Um! Kwok!

Aaah! Um! Kwok!

 

Secret Wolf

 

Secret wolf

Well, I locked you in the shed

Cos you’re not right in the head

And the neighbours want you dead

 

Secret wolf

You are noble, proud and true

But I worry about you

Cos of what you tend to do

 

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours on the bum?

 

Please don’t bite

You’re my shining ray of light

Love to cuddle you at night

Though I know it isn’t right

 

Cheek to cheek

Well, they say that you’re a freak

With your scaly leather beak

C’est le monsteur genetique

 

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours on the bum?

 

Remember the time

We went dancing at the club

And you lost your mind

And bit some neighbours on the bum?

 

Maybe one day

We can do all that stuff again

But only if I replace your face

With something less offensive

 

Secret wolf

Well, I hide you in a shrub

So that I can feel you up

When I come back from the pub

 

Secret wolf

No, I’ll never set you free

Gonna eat you for my tea

So you’re always inside me

 

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

What if you bite one of the neighbours?

 

What if I bite one of the neighbours?

What if I bite one of the neighbours?

What if I bite one of the neighbours?

What if I bite one of the neighbours on the bum?

 

 

Midnight Bastard

 

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m a bastard – I’m a hangman with a noose

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m a gangster – I’m a panther on the loose

I honk like a gander saying “Boo” to a goose

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m the Devil – And I don’t got no excuse

 

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m a prowler – An’ I’m a-creepin’ up on you

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m a scowler – An’ I’m scowlin' at the moon

I tippy-toe around your flat in an orthopaedic shoe

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m a burglar – You better dial 913502

 

And I go

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo hoo hoo hoo

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo a hoo hoo”

Like this

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo hoo hoo hoo

I don’t know why, I just like it, I guess

 

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m a zombie – I’m the jumpin’ jivin’ dead

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m a mangy tramp with a gammy wooden leg

Got an entire rabbit’s body on a string around my neck

I’m the Midnight Bastard

I’m a hunchback – I got bells all bongin’ inside my head

 

And I say

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo hoo hoo hoo

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo a hoo hoo

Like this

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo hoo hoo hoo

I don’t know why, I just like it, I guess

 

I eat more pork and chicken than any man you’ve ever seen

Eat so much pork and chicken that I’ll probably turn into one

I smoke 500 cigarettes every single day of my life

Stick 50 of ‘em in my gob and smoke ‘em all at once

My eyes are wild and wonky, I got snake heads in my mind

Just like a gorgon Jesus, my gaze will turn you into wine

I’m slithery and I’m sinister, you better catch me if you can

I’m a deep fried Baptist minister

I’m the flippin’ flamin’ funky pork and chicken man

 

A bawk bockee

A bawk bawk bockee

A bawk bockee

I’m the pork and chicken man

A bawk bockee

A bawk bawk bockee

Oh yeah, I’m the funky pork and chicken man

 

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo hoo hoo hoo

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo a hoo hoo

Like this

A hoo hoo hoo, a hoo hoo hoo hoo

I don’t know why, I just like it, I like it, I guess

 

 

Lyrics by Waen Shepherd 2005-2006
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