A page dedicated to theme tunes, in three parts:

Theme Tunes

2001 - 2022

REAL THEME TUNES

FAKE THEME TUNES

CAPTAIN HELIX (from the Captain Helix video game) January 2007

DOCTOR WHO (from ‘Doctor Where’) April 25 - May 13, 2018

GOING ON: 1964 Theme (from ‘Going On’) November 19 - December 10, 2009

DOCTOR WHO: TOO MUCH INFORMATION (Toby Hadoke) July 23 - September 17, 2020

EXTRA LIFE (Great Big Owl) October 2-6, 2020

ACTION TEAM: ROCK THEME (Shiny Button/ITV) May 18 & 19, 2017

INTRUDER (Chalkboard/Channel 5) February 19 & 21, 2021

ACTION TEAM: SLOW BUILD (Shiny Button/ITV) May 17 & 19, 2017

THE YEARNING (from ‘The Ghoul’) Jan 24, 2014; May 5, 12, 20 & Jun 5, 2015

MURDER IN SUCCESSVILLE (Tiger Aspect/BBC) February 17 & 18, 2015

CRACKANORY (Tiger Aspect/Dave) August 28, 2013

GOING ON (Dog in a Hat) November 17, 2009 - January 12, 2010

TODAY WITH DODI & DI (Channel X/E4) June 2007

ORIGEN’S WAKE (Channel X/Channel 4) May - June, 2001

LET ME BE THE JUDGE (from ‘Crackanory’) July 9, 2014

SPYMAKER (from ‘Going On’) December 9-17, 2009

RECONSTRUCTION (from ‘Crackanory’) October 29, 2016

LOOK EAST-WEST (from ‘Crackanory’) July 2, 2014

THE LINE (from ‘Going On’) November 25, 2009 - January 18, 2010

INTRUDER (Version 14 - ‘Dark Entrance’) December 17 & 18, 2020

ME AND MY MONSTERS (Version 1) April 19 & 20, 2010

MR & MRS FANDANGO (Version 5) April 30 - May 1, 2008

FAILED THEME TUNES

CRACKANORY (Version 5) August 15, 2013

MURDER IN SUCCESSVILLE (Pilot Theme) April 2-19, 2014

THE MAINSTAGE (Channel X) April 25 - May 26, 2008

A MURDER IN YE OLDE SUCCESSVILLE (Tiger Aspect/BBC) March 22-28, 2017

MR & MRS FANDANGO (Channel 4) April 30, 2008

ZOMBIE BARGAIN HUNT (from ‘Going On’) November 24, 2009

THE DAY THEY CAME TO SUCK OUT OUR BRAINS (The Multiverse/Channel Flip) - March 7, 2013

INTRUDER (Version 7 - ‘Cliffside Waves’) December 11, 2020

CRACKANORY (Version 1) August 13, 2013

ME AND MY MONSTERS (Version 2) April 19 & 20, 2010

ME AND MY MONSTERS (Version 3) April 23 & 26, 2010

SALSA STRUT November 9, 2022

CRACKANORY (Version 12) August 28, 2013

RESTORATION (written for ‘The Restoration Man’) November 11-13, 2013

DOCTOR WHO: FAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION (Toby Hadoke) September 22-24, 2020

ACTION TEAM: ITV TRAILER MIX (Shiny Button/ITV) January 26 - February 2, 2018

Early versions of theme tunes which weren’t right and eventually got superceded by something better, plus a couple of things I pitched for but didn’t get. INTRUDER: I’d love to be able to say I’m so good at this I always get them right first time, but it would be an absolute unforgivable lie. Much of the time it’s a haphazard, unscientific case of throwing random ideas at a wall and seeing which ones stick. In this case, the tune for the final theme came quite early in the process but we didn’t commit to it until after I’d made about 19 other suggestions. These are a couple I liked, but neither was ever seriously in the running. CRACKANORY • Version 1 was the first idea I belched out before approaching it more seriously. I tried twelve different ideas before finding the eventual theme • Version 5 (based on some sort of ‘teatime adventure’ concept) was the closest to what the producer asked for, but we knew it wasn’t quite right and needed modifying in some radical way • Version 12 was a random ‘mad waltz’ idea I did while hurtling ever closer to wit’s end • It was actually my wife’s suggestion that I should slam 5 and 12 together and see what happened. The serendipitous result (Version 13) was instantly, obviously, the main Crackanory theme ME AND MY MONSTERS • All three versions are demos and I never thought any of them were serious contenders for the show. But I listened to them again recently and liked them very much, so here they are • Version 1: Me and My Monsters was a Jim Henson-produced kids’ show made in 2010, so why I thought it would be a good idea to pastiche The Stranglers for the theme tune, I’ve no idea - but once it was in my head, I had to do it to get it out of my system • The atonal guitar solo in Version 2 is specifically there because we (as in, those of us who were pitching for the job) were asked to consider adding atonal elements. Other than that, this is basically just me trying out a Beatle-inspired software package called Fab Four. Oh and the lyrics were genuine placeholders (but I would have tried very hard to keep them) • Version 3: an attempt to write ‘proper’ words (which are utterly meaningless, but hopefully sound like they’re not) after being told the previous words weren’t suitable • I didn’t get the job THE RESTORATION MAN: another theme I tried for but didn’t get (and I’m not surprised, the actual theme is far superior) SALSA STRUT: an early attempt at a theme tune for No Strings Attached. I can’t tell you what the actual theme tune’s going to be, but I can at least tell you what it isn’t.

3. FAILED THEME TUNES

Real theme tunes for fictional programmes that don’t exist, which I’ve written as part of the score for actual, real-world programmes that do exist. No, I don’t quite follow that either, but stick with me… CRACKANORY • RECONSTRUCTION was the theme to a Crimewatch-style crime reconstruction show, from an episode called ‘The Despot of Tea’ • LET ME BE THE JUDGE was a fictional talent show in an episode called ‘Let Me Be The Judge’ - so I guess this is my stab at a theme for The X Factor • LOOK EAST-WEST was written for a regional TV news broadcast in an episode called ‘The Obituary Writer’ GOING ON • GOING ON (1964 THEME) was part of a section in which the fictional arts show Going On (which is actually real, except it’s a funny parody of an arts show instead of a real one - if you’re still with me) looks back on the 45 years it’s been on the air. This was supposed to be the theme tune for the very first episode from the mid- 60s. Knowing it needed to be the same melody as the main theme (see above), I made sure I wrote this one first, then rewrote it as a Newsnight Review-style noughties upgrade for the opening titles • SPYMAKER was a fictional 60s secret agent film mentioned in passing in one of the sketches - it didn’t have to be this long but I became obsessed and had to do the whole thing • THE LINE was a gritty cop show in the style of The Wire, which some of the characters spoke about in a section called ‘The Box Set’. This mix is a composite of two different versions of its fictional theme tune - one straight, another more effect-laden • ZOMBIE BARGAIN HUNT: well, surely this speaks for itself CAPTAIN HELIX • Captain Helix was a fictional character (played by me, in my previous life as an actor) within the universe of the BBC sci-fi comedy Hyperdrive - by which I mean, even within the Hyperdrive universe, he was a fictional character (the childhood hero of the ship’s captain, played by Nick Frost) • As well as actually playing Captain Helix in the show-within-a-show, which we saw clips of in the real-life show, I also ended up playing Gareth Stannis, the actor who played Captain Helix • And then on top of that - if you’re still listening - I got asked to provide a theme tune for a promotional Flash-based video game called The Semi-Official Adventures of Captain Helix - which still exists if you have Flash installed in your browser • This is that fake theme tune - obviously written as if it’s the theme for the actual Captain Helix show, which doesn’t exist • The lyrics were written by Kevin Cecil and Andy Riley, Hyperdrive’s writers (slightly rewritten by me to fit the tune - I think I wrote the bit about the phoenix) DOCTOR WHO • Obviously, Doctor Who does actually exist, but I recorded this version of Ron Grainer’s Doctor Who theme for a Who-inspired podcast called ‘Doctor Where’ • The idea here was that the hosts of Doctor Where had asked their mate, a budding composer, to record a version of the Doctor Who theme, but he was a bit too eager in trying to realise his ambition, and went a little over the top • So I suppose I’m saying that, even though it’s the actual theme tune to a real show, it’s a fake version of it for a totally different show - i.e. not a real theme tune at all • Then again, it would have been the actual theme tune for the show • And then, to make it even more confusing, the podcast never actually got made, so it’s ended up being a fake version of a real theme tune for a real show that doesn’t exist • I think I need a lie down now

2. FAKE THEME TUNES

Actual theme tunes to real TV programmes (and, occasionally, podcasts), most of which actually got broadcast. It’s not an exhaustive list - I’ve done others - but these are the ones I like. DOCTOR WHO - TOO MUCH INFORMATION: two different mixes for two different versions of Toby Hadoke’s hardcore Doctor Who podcast (the second mix is for the ultra-hardcore version you only get if you subscribe to his Patreon page). These are the short mixes - you can hear the full-length versions here. ACTION TEAM didn’t have an opening title sequence, so there’s no specific theme tune as such. Somehow that explains why there are three of them. The Trailer Mix was specifically commissioned by ITV for a series of trailers, while the other two were basically my pitch for the job, using the main melodic theme from which the rest of the score sprang. Paradoxically one where I got the theme tune right first time, then we never actually heard it in the show. MURDER IN SUCCESSVILLE: two versions here - the main opening title theme, and an olde-worldy update written for the Victorian episode. NO STRINGS ATTACHED (2023): theme tune to a show about erotic fan fiction made by RDF for Channel 4 (with the working title ‘The Really, Really Rude Puppet Show’). I was hoping this would be my flagship piece on the website, but I’ll have to wait until its broadcast next year before I showcase it here.

1. REAL THEME TUNES